Forgiveness
The centerpiece of Christian practice is forgiveness. It’s present in God’s relationship with us. It’s present in all our interaction with each other. A week may not go by a day may not pass, when we need to engage it. It’s used in marriage, raising children and with co-workers at our job. It’s used in personal life, community and in carrying out acts of kindness. It’s a key ingredient in lessening cynicism and depression. Forgiveness is a powerful part of God’s grace. Yet, to forgive can be obscure. It’s not what the world implies when it says ‘forgive and forget’. This is an attempt to over-look damage done to us, with good intentions. But it tends to give the impression that if we do remember, then we must not have forgiven. The world’s definition of forgiveness is along the lines of the old adage; ‘Don’t think about a white elephant’. That’s hard to do when it’s being mentioned over and over in our heads. Peter asked how often we should forget, meaning not only do we have people who are repeat offenders, but the temptation to remember re-occurs over and over again. When we’re hurt, the pain continues, sometimes for a long periods. Forgiveness is much more practical than trying to forget the damage done to us, it can be very tangible. It’s made up of three clear parts.
I think it’s fair to say that we are all vulnerable. The way life has worked out puts us at risk either by people who mean to hurt us, or by those who don’t. In either case we are hurt and masking it with mental gymnastics is fruitless, it won’t lead to the development of our character. Instead, the practice of forgiveness begins with mercy. Mercy is the threshold. This is where we realize that a wrong has been done to us for whatever reason. It’s where we do not seek justice to be done, we do not retaliate or strike out, seeking an eye for an eye, or to make the other person understand how it feels. Mercy is active, not a feeling. Some have said that mercy is inactive. I don’t think so. I think mercy takes deliberate effort to replace our instinctual response with a creative alternative. Anything that takes an effort of the will is active in my book and mercy takes an effort of the will.
How often have you seen this struggle at work in children? Mercy is a struggle. We see kids hurting each other as they set up a pecking order, or to retrieve what they believe is theirs or to pay back what they received. They cry out that things aren’t fair or they tell on each other hoping for someone to join them in their cause. Getting older doesn’t really bring change, we simply learn what’s socially acceptable. Gossip, slander and a demand for personal justice naturally continue in spite of a person’s age. By not giving others what they so richly deserve is an act of mercy. This can be done only after we’ve experienced it for ourselves. He has been merciful to us and we are called to be merciful. This begins the process of forgiveness.
Next is a willingness to re-invest in the person who hurt us. Our impulse is to withdraw from being around them, or at least withdraw emotionally. Instinctually we want to avoid those who hurt us. The problem is that those who hurt us the most, are those we’re around the most. And the more intimate a person is, the greater the chance of hurt. If mercy is the beginning of forgiveness then a willingness to re-invest must follow. Now this doesn’t mean that we take matters into our own hands and go sit on their doorstep waiting for another round. The issue of re-investment is handled between you and God. He will want you to be available, but his timing in the matter is important. Timing is everything, and we have very little sense of it. So, get alone with him. Re-investment is found in the healing intimacy with our Father. We must pour out everything to him and ask him to put together the circumstances for our re-investment at the time he wishes. At this point, the hurt done to us is attended to by him and you give your intention to re-invest. Our being commanded to go and make things right with our brother, whether the hurt was our fault or theirs, is along these lines. In any case, we are not to neglect talking to God about it and then going to re-invest with our brother. If we neglect this we become hardened. There is pain in both parties and the sooner that each go to our Father and experience his ministry and follow his instructions the better. Only then can we begin to heal on a horizontal level.
This brings us to the last portion of forgiveness and that is the realization that the relationship will change. When hurt occurs in any life, things change between us. Perhaps that change is slight, but there is still change for the better or worse. Forgiveness is practiced within the realm of free will. We can be hurt, show mercy, go to our Father, find continual healing and give our intent to re-invest all while the other person remains resistant. Choices are being made on our part and on the part of others. There are numerous outcomes to damage and no relationship remains static. It either is growing together or growing apart, there is no equilibrium or balance to find here. There is no going back to where we were. Damage in a relationship is dynamic, it causes change. Positive change can come from damage done, if both parties practice forgiveness. Does that mean then that we should go out and hurt each other, to love each other better? Of course not. There will be enough opportunities to practice without being obnoxious.
Forgiveness is the cornerstone of Christian practice. It’s fundamental to the maintenance of our life with God, as he forgives us. It’s fundamental to the maintenance of our life with each other as we forgive one another. Depending upon the damage done, we can go through this process many times even within an hour, or hundreds of times a day: mercy, re-investment and a realization that the relationship will change. The more we practice it, the better we heal. And, it’s not unusual to practice it seven hundred and seventy times a day, in some circumstances. To remember is not a failure to forgive, to remember is to be prompted to go through the cycle again.